but how many woolongs is he worth?
by Alranor
Summary: After being stranded on an uncharted desert planet, Spike goes after his biggest bounty yet. This is a cross between Cowboy Beebop and Trigun
1. in search of a cigarette

Chapter 1  
  
*clang bash bang CRASH* "Damn this stupid piece of junk!!"  
With a sigh, Spike Spiegel extracted himself from the bowls of his ship, the Swordfish. He looked around at the pieces of metal, gears, and tubes that were strewn about the dusty ground. He had crashed here a little over three hours ago when his "faithful" ship's engines had suddenly cut out. He'd drifted for days in empty space, so far out that the planet he had crashed on was uncharted. And no wonder, he thought. The whole place was nothing but sand. The double suns were glaring down on him and he had been in a very bad mood ever since he had run out of cigarettes.  
He grabbed his blue over-shirt, slung it over his shoulder, and started walking. He figured that there had to be something, anything better to do on this god-forsaken planet than keep whacking at his ship.  
Spike was surprised, to say the least, when he came over a particular dune to see a small town. He wondered what kind of creatures he would find there. However, as he got closer he realized they were humans. The town kinda reminded him of those old western films, saloons and little shops. He didn't have any idea how the hell these people got out here, but he didn't care as long as they had cigarettes and alcohol.  
The first place he went was the saloon, taking a seat at the bar. He put his blue over-shirt back on.  
"Hey, barkeep, gimme a drink." He said.  
"Anything in particular?" asked the barkeep.  
"Anything."  
Spike looked around at the people in the bar. They were all just normal people, except for the fact that they looked like they were out of a Clint Eastwood film. Except for one. This one fellow was sitting in the corner, looking back at Spike. He looked like he was some kind of deranged priest, with unkempt stringy black hair and small crosses at his cuffs. Leaning against the back of his chair was a HUGE cross, covered in cloth and wrapped with numerous straps and buckles. Spike wasn't immediately interested in any of that, though. All Spike saw was the cigarette that was sitting between the priest's lips.  
Spike stood and walked over to the priest, who calmly stared back at him.  
"Hey, there, priest. Spare a smoke?"  
The priest regarded him for a moment, and then produced a cigarette from his pocket, handing it to Spike. As the priest offered a light, he introduced himself.  
"My name's Nicholas D. Wolfwood. And you are?"  
"Spike Spiegel."  
"Well now, Mr. Spiegel, I can't help but compliment you on your stylish clothes."  
Spike looked down at himself, and realized that they were both wearing almost the exact same outfit: an unbuttoned collar shirt, blue over- shirt and pants, right down to the yellow boots.  
"I'd have to say the same to you." Spike said approvingly. He sat down across the small table just as the barkeep set his drink in front of him. Spike handed the man three woolongs. The barkeep studied the money, a puzzled look on his face.  
"What's this?" he asked Spike. "The drink's two double dollars."  
"What? Double dollars?" Spike asked, just as confused as the barkeep.  
"Don't play dumb, buddy. No money, no drink." The barkeep swiped the glass from Spike's hand. Spike was about to swipe it back, but the priest interjected.  
"Here, it's my pleasure." Nicholas said, handing the man a strange type of currency. The man growled, but put the drink back on the table.  
"hmm." Nicholas laughed. "I'm not sure if I should even ask. You seem like the type that gets into trouble a lot."  
"Well, if I do, at least I can get myself out." Spike said, draining the glass in one gulp.  
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I happen to have another acquaintance that's the same way. Actually I'm waiting for him." Nicholas paused and looked past Spike to the door. "Well, speak of the devil."  
Spike turned around to see a man in a floor-length red leather coat and spiky blonde hair walking towards their table. The man had a goofy grin on his face.  
"Hey there, church man!" the guy said cheerily. He plopped himself down at their table. He turned and regarded Spike with eyes blue as ice. "Hey, Wolfwood, made a new friend?" Whereupon this strange man threw an arm around Spike's neck. "That's great! Hey barkeep! How 'bout some drinks!" Then the man laughed. Or, at least, Spike thought he was laughing. He could have been shrieking out of pure insanity, or calling demon hounds from the depths of hell. Or scaring them away for that matter.  
"Hey, take it easy. You're gonna scare the poor guy." Nicholas said. The weirdo released Spike, grinning idiotically.  
"I think I'm already scared." Spike said when he was able to breathe again. "Who the hell are you?"  
"Well, I don't like to introduce myself," The man said, striking a noble pose, "but I like to think of myself as the warrior of peace, chasing the elusive mayfly of love."  
There was a moment of absolute silence while Spike stared open- mouthed and Nicholas just shook his head.  
"Okay, now I'm really scared." Spike said, turning to Nicholas. "Please tell me he didn't just say 'mayfly of love'."  
"Yeah. He always says that." Nicholas laughed. "His real name is-" but the man in red quickly clamped a hand over the priest's mouth, shushing him.  
"Shut up, Wolfwood!" He hissed. "You're gonna get me into trouble!"  
The priest pushed his hand away and shoved him back in the chair.  
"Don't worry so much. He'll deal with it." When the man sighed and leaned his head forward onto the table, the priest looked back to Spike. "His real name is. Vash the Stampede." 


	2. realization without recognition

Chapter 2  
  
There was a moment of heavy silence, in which both the priest and the man in red stared at Spike, as if expecting a reaction from him.  
"Um, Vash who?" Spike asked, confused.  
"The Stampede." The priest reiterated, with the other man nodding. "The Humanoid Typhoon? The man with beyond-human-like marksmanship and the devil's own luck? Vash the Stampede??" The priest said, all the while the both of them leaned towards Spike with every word until their faces were just inches away.  
There was more silence. Spike just shrugged and shook his head.  
"I have no idea what you're talking about." He said.  
"Whaddya mean, everyone's heard of Vash the Stampede. He's a legend." The priest said, still unbelieving.  
"Yeah, everyone." Vash whined. "It gets me into trouble all the time and I don't even try. One minute I'm just minding my own business then the next thing I know everyone in sight is shooting at me. It's terrible the things I have to put up with."  
"And why do they all start shooting at you?" Spike asked.  
"That's what I'm saying!" Vash said, pounding the table to emphasize his point, "I don't know! They just do! I don't do anything! Really! It's not like I provoke them or anything."  
"Oh, shut up, Vash." Nicholas said. "You know perfectly well why they come after you."  
"Well, yeah." Vash muttered, "but that's just horrible to try to kill someone just for a little bit of money."  
Spike's head jerked up. "Money?" but neither heard him.  
"C'mon, Vash. It's more than just a little bit." Nicholas laughed.  
Spike's head whirled towards him. "A lot of money?"  
"I'll say. I guess since you haven't heard of him you wouldn't know." Nicholas leaned in "But this man sitting here is worth 60 BILLION double dollars."  
"Sixty bi-" Spike gasped. His eyes narrowed as his gaze slid to the man sitting next to him. "Is that so?"  
Vash saw the look in his eyes and laughed nervously. "Um, yeah. Ha ha."  
"Sixty billion, huh?" Spike said, as he edged closer.  
"Yeah, ha ha. That's right." Vash said, as he edged away. "There are posters all over the place. Can't say I like the picture on 'em, though. It doesn't quite capture my romantic personality, y'know?"  
Just as Vash was about to bolt, Spike threw an arm around his neck and drew him close. "Yeah. I know all about it." His voice had taken on a silky, dangerous edge. "Hey, Buddy, do you think you guys could help me out with my ride? It's just a few miles away from here."  
"Well, um, I dunno." Vash muttered, "Um, hey, where did you say you were from again?"  
Spike's arm tightened. "I didn't."  
"Oh." Vash choked.  
"Hey, now," Nicholas said, rising. "What's this all about?"  
"What this is about," Spike said, keeping Vash in a semi-headlock, "is that I'm a bounty hunter by chosen profession and your friend here is coming on a little ride with me."  
Spike had his other hand on the hilt of his gun in case the priest made a move, but was shocked when Nicholas just laughed.  
"Hey, Wolfwood, I don't think this is too funny." Vash said, trying to loosen Spike's grip.  
"Well, Mr. Spiegel, if that's what you really want to do, you can try all you want. But I have to warn you there's a reason why there's such a big bounty on Vash's head and it's not because they like his jokes." Nicholas said, sitting back down.  
"Yeah well I'd have to warn you that I don't give up that easily." Spike said with a cocky grin. As he again tightened his hold on the squirming man who was now unable to talk.  
"Well in that case," Nicholas paused to light another cigarette, "I would suggest that you start running."  
"Hunh? Why?"  
Nicholas laughed. "Because you're big bounty just made it out the door and took a left."  
Spike looked down to see that the squirming man he was holding in a headlock was not Vash, but the man who had been sitting at the next table.  
"WHAT THE HELL! But how-! When did-!" Spike sputtered. He released the man and jumped up from the table. He blasted through the door and paused in the street, looking both ways. He heard a faint call from inside the bar.  
"Left!" and then lots of laughter.  
"What the hell kind of place is this!!" Spike shouted as he took off down the street. 


	3. doughnuts at high noon

Chapter 3  
  
Vash, meanwhile, had wedged himself into a very narrow back alley. He rested, panting, leaning his head back against the cool wall.  
"Aw man," He said to no one in particular, as was his habit, "here we go again. All I did was try to be nice and look where it gets me! Maybe if I were meaner to people this wouldn't happen so often." He paused and crouched while a couple walked by the alley. "This is all Wolfwood's fault. What was he tryin' to do to me, he didn't even try to help!"  
Vash poked his head into the street, glancing both ways before he stepped out into the sun. He flicked out his sunglasses and ran a hand through his spiky hair. He was actually feeling quite perky after his narrow escape. In fact, he thought as he passed a street vendor, quite hungry as well. He stopped and bought a bag of doughnuts.  
"Phew! Man, that was close." Vash continued to say to himself while popping whole doughnuts into his mouth. "That guy was serious! He was different from the other bounty hunters, really scary. Remember to stay away from him. Wuzzisname. Spindle.Spigril. Sper-"  
Click!  
Vash froze at the unmistakable sound from behind him.  
"It's Spiegel you blonde freak." Spike panted, gun pointed at Vash's back.  
Vash swallowed his last doughnut.  
"Now," Spike growled, "just play nice and come along like a good boy. You owe it to me for that stunt you pulled back at the bar."  
Vash turned around, a disarming smile on his face. "C'mon now, I just tried to have a drink." He paused, then his expression turned to indignant as he pointed a finger in Spike's direction. "Besides," he accused, "I do believe that I was the one in the headlock back there. If anything, you owe me!" then his smile returned as he rubbed his hands together. "Alright! Free drinks! Oh, oh, and salmon sandwiches! Man, my stomach's growling just at the thought! Free food always tastes so much better!"  
"I'm not buying you anything, you lunatic!" Spike shouted. "What the hell is the matter with you?!"  
"Hunh? Nothing. I just thought that you're such a -" Vash looked pointedly to the gun in Spike's hand, "- nice guy. We probably actually have a lot in common, you know, we could have a few drinks, tell stories, compare scars - all that macho guy stuff. He he." he trailed off at Spike's glare. "The only thing we're doing together is hitching a ride to Police Central where I'll get my money."  
Vash scratched his head. "Actually, as nice as you are, I really have no intention of going with you. See, I'm kinda on this journey. It's kinda tough to explain, but the jist of it is that I don't have time to spend in a jail cell." He shrugged and smiled, "So, it'd probably be best for both of us if you just let me go without a fight."  
"Well that's too bad." Spike said, a cocky grin spreading on his face, "Because you are coming with me. And seeing as you're on the receiving end of this gun here, I'd say that it'd probably be best, at least for you, if you just came along without a fight."  
At this, Vash's face became serious, so serious that Spike was taken aback. This wasn't the dorky, idiotic seeker of the 'elusive mayfly of love'. This was someone else. Someone to be wary of. Someone not to be taken lightly. Spike caught a flash of blue from behind those round, orange sunglasses. Tactical sunglasses that effectively blocked out all of Vash's facial expression, giving no clues or hints as to Vash's next move. Spike noticed Vash's right hand relaxing, ready to draw from the holster at his hip.  
"Don't even think about it." Spike said calmly, his finger putting slight pressure on the trigger.  
"I'm trying not to," Vash said grimly, "but my hand has a will of its own when it comes to self-preservation."  
"Hmph. The priest said that the bounty wasn't because people like your jokes." Spike snorted.  
Vash smiled, but it was wistful and sad.  
"Look, Vash," Spike said reasonably, "I can tell that your more than you first appeared to be. A fight between us would most likely not end well."  
"Agreed." Vash said.  
"But, I am a bounty hunter." Spike paused. "Look, I guess that you could say that I'm on my own little stupid journey, okay? So, like you, I'm in the game of self-preservation. All I know right now is that 60 billion would go a long way to preserve me so I can't just let you go." Spike let his breath out in a puff. "So, I'm telling you again to give up. For both our sakes."  
There was a silence in which nothing stirred in the empty streets but the dust.  
"I'm sorry," Vash said with a heavy voice, "but I really can't do that."  
"Fine, have it your way." Spike said.  
He pulled the trigger. 


	4. showdown cowboy style

Chapter 4  
  
The shot echoed through the empty streets.  
The breeze gently blew away the smoke from Spike's gun to reveal Vash, still standing. Well, at least he was still upright. He wasn't so much standing as he was balancing on one foot while the rest of his body contorted and twisted in such a way as to avoid the bullet. One of Spike's eyebrows rose.  
"Hey!" Vash shouted, "Don't you think that was a little close?!"  
Spike's gun, having been hurled with quite some force, smacked solidly into Vash's face, knocking him to the ground. As Vash spasmed in the dirt Spike nonchalantly approached and bent over him.  
"Do people ever point out that something is very, very wrong with you?" Spike asked.  
"Do people ever point out that you're a jerk?" Vash retorted.  
"All the time." Spike said cheerily. He picked up his gun and walked back to his original spot. Vash climbed to his feet.  
"Okay, so you dodge bullets. That's quite a trick." Spike said. "But then you caught my gun with your face." Vash let out a painful chuckle. "Which leads me to question exactly how seriously you're taking me."  
"I'm getting the feeling that you're pretty serious." Vash said hesitantly.  
"Good, then we understand each other." Spike said, raising his gun again.  
Vash pushed his glasses up with one finger. "Yeah," he said solemnly, "I guess we do." He pulled his own gun from his holster and pointed it back at Spike.  
The two men stared at each other down the barrels of their guns.  
*BANG! BANG!*  
Both shot simultaneously while each leapt for opposite sides of the street. Matching their long strides, they ran down the sidewalks, shooting at each other. Vash ducked into an alley and Spike dashed across the street. He kept tight to the wall of one of the buildings that made the alley, keeping cover just around the corner. Vash crouched behind a stack of crates. They fired off random shots, but every one clipped either the stone wall or a wooden crate.  
Despite all the loud gunfire, Spike jumped when he heard a beeping coming from the comm-link on his wrist.  
"Spike? Spike, can you hear me?"  
"Jet!" Spike shouted in relief. "Hey, what took you so long?"  
"Well excuse me for taking my precious time while tracking you through the uncharted reaches of space!" Jet said indignantly.  
"Just shut up and get your ass down here!" Spike shouted, recoiling from stone shrapnel that flew into his face from a ricocheting bullet.  
"Hey!" Vash shouted from deep in the alley, "Are you talking to yourself? And you think something's wrong with ME?"  
"Jet," Spike growled, "I'm on the biggest bounty you've ever heard of and I need backup, NOW!"  
"Hey, Spike, is that gun fire? Just like you to pick a fight no matter where you land." Jet grumbled. "Fine, I'm gonna track your comm-link and land right on top of you, okay?"  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just GET HERE!" Spike fired again. Then he slipped from the corner and ran around the building, hoping to catch his prey from behind. He edged into the dark alley, his eyes on the pile of crates. He ran the last few steps and kicked them out of the way.  
There wasn't anyone there.  
"Where the hell has that guy gotten to now?" Spike whispered. He looked around, then felt some small, crumb-like particles fall on his head. They smelled like. . . doughnuts.  
Spike looked up just in time to see Vash, who had shimmied up the walls of the narrow alley, throw himself over the edge of one of the buildings. Spike ran into the street but leapt back when a bullet sent up a spray of dirt right in front of him. With his back against the wall and Vash playing sniper on the roof, Spike was pinned. His best option right now was to stall Vash as long as he could until the Beebop arrived.  
"Not bad." Spike said, sounding as cocky as ever. "You've got some - um - interesting moves, to say the least."  
"We don't have to fight." Vash called from the roof. "Just stop chasing me. I don't want either of us to get hurt."  
Spike looked desperately around as they talked. He noticed that the next building over had a tall wooden horse-cart next to it. The cart was just tall enough that Spike might barely be able to grab onto the top of the wall from there and heave himself onto the roof.  
"Well, I think we already went over this. Neither of us is willing to give up." Spike said, edging to the corner of the building, readying himself to sprint across the intersection.  
"I'd give up as long as you don't turn me in." Vash said, hopefully. He didn't know, however, that with those words he had allowed his opponent to get a rough estimate of his location on the roof. He figured it out when bullets turned the stone around him into flying shrapnel, forcing him to take cover. This bought Spike enough time to sprint across the narrow street. Keeping his momentum, he jumped onto the cart and leapt towards the roof. He caught the top of the wall with his free hand and swung his legs up and over in one fluid movement. He kept firing, forcing Vash to keep his head down. Spike ran as fast as he could towards the edge of the roof and with a shout hurled himself into space towards the roof that Vash was on.  
"Don't!" Vash shouted "You won't make it!"  
Spike's limbs flailed wildly in midair. The other building came towards him as if in slow motion. He saw stone chips flying everywhere, saw his gun spinning and falling away. He even had time to estimate his trajectory. He had time to figure out that he wasn't going to make it.  
With a horrible crunch, Spike hit the wall just below the top. Just before he started to fall, a hand caught his wrist. It was Vash, of course.  
"Hang on, I got you!" Vash said, bracing against the stone lip.  
Spike looked up and grinned. "No," he said, reaching into his pocket, "I got you."  
Vash was startled, to say the least, when the small electro-stunner jabbed into his forearm.  
Spike was startled, to say the least, when the stunner, which was only supposed to deliver a minimal shock to stun opponents caused Vash's whole body to convulse violently, his already wild hair to explode as much as it could without detaching from his head, and his orange glasses to shatter revealing the blue eyes, which now were rolling up into his head.  
Unconscious, Vash was pulled by Spike's weight over the edge of the building. The both fell to the hard-packed ground. 


	5. Late as always

Chapter 5  
  
Spike heard running feet nearing him. He squinted against the glare of the sun to identify the person who was now bending over him. It was that deranged priest.  
"Well, now. What happened here?" the priest asked.  
Spike tried to get up, but was stopped by an unconscious Vash who was sprawled on top of him.  
"Get this idiot off me." Spike growled. Nicholas helped roll Vash off. Both Spike and the priest noticed that the red leather coat was smoking slightly.  
"What the hell did you do to him?" Nicholas asked, making sure the charred Vash was still alive.  
"Nothing." Spike said, producing the electro-stunner. "Just a stunner. It shouldn't have done all that to him."  
"Electric?" Nicholas asked, startled.  
"Um, yeah." Spike said, confused.  
Nicholas pointed to Vash's left arm, the one Spike had stunned. "No wonder you crisped the poor guy. He's got a metal arm."  
"What?!"  
"Yeah. The electricity that's usually dulled by flesh was fully transferred by the metal in his arm. He's also got little metal bits all over his body from old wounds, then the buckles on his clothing, right down to his earring and sunglasses." Nicholas peered at Spike over the rims of his glasses. "You really gave it to 'im."  
"Hey, now," Spike said defensively, "I gave the guy a chance to give up."  
"Would YOU have given up?" the priest asked pointedly.  
Spike just grumbled.  
"So what are you going to do with him?" Nicholas asked, sitting beside Spike.  
"You know, for someone who claims to be this guy's friend, you don't seem too concerned that he's lying unconscious face down in the dust, smoking." Spike said irritably.  
"Eh," the priest shrugged, "he'll live. He always does."  
He offered a cigarette and Spike accepted it grudgingly.  
"Anyway, my backup should be showing up any time now." Spike mumbled.  
"Backup?"  
"Yeah." Spike said, just as he caught the sound of engines approaching from above. "Late as always."  
The speck in the sky grew swiftly into the Beebop. It lowered onto the ground, sending up waves of dust. The engines cut off.  
"Sweet mother of God." Nicholas whispered, the cigarette falling from his lips.  
"Hey, now," Spike laughed, "what kind of language is that for a priest to use?"  
The Beebop's hatch opened and Jet ran out, gun drawn. He stopped when he saw Spike and Nicholas sitting on the ground beside the unconscious Vash.  
"Hey, Spike, that the guy?" Jet asked, putting away his gun and walking over.  
"Yeah, fried and bagged - no thanks to you." Spike said pointedly letting out a puff of smoke.  
Jet just ignored him, opting instead to check out Vash.  
"So just how much is he worth?" Jet asked.  
"Oh, just a measly 60 billion." Spike said off-handedly.  
"Uh huh. I thought you said he -" Jet stopped cold. "how much?"  
"You heard me."  
"No," Jet said, eyes wide, "No, I don't think I did."  
Spike puffed, "You did."  
"No," Jet walked over and put his hands on Spike's shoulders. "See, I coulda sworn you just said 60 BILLION."  
Spike just nodded. Jet just stared.  
"Um, excuse me."  
Spike and Jet looked over to Nicholas, who was still gaping at the Beebop.  
"You neglected to tell me, Mr. Spiegel, that you have a working space ship."  
"MY ship ISN'T working." Spike said angrily. "That's how I ended up on this stupid planet in the first place."  
Nicholas turned to him, astounded. "You mean you aren't even from this PLANET?!"  
Spike and Jet just looked at each other.  
"I can't believe you have working models of the old technology! That's amazing!" Nicholas ran over to touch the ship's hull.  
"Hey, now wait a minute!" Jet shouted, "She's not THAT old!"  
"So, you two are from space?" Nicholas asked.  
"Um, along with the rest of the human race." Spike said. "Are you saying you people have no ships?"  
"All we have is lost technology from when we crashed here some 130 years ago. None of it works now except the plants."  
"Jet," Spike whispered, leaning in, "do you have any idea what he's talking about?"  
"Not a clue." Jet shrugged. "Anyway, Spike, we should get that bounty secured in the ship before he wakes up."  
Spike and Jet each slung one of Vash's arms over their shoulders and started dragging him to the Beebop.  
"Hey, wait a minute!" Nicholas shouted, following them. "You're gonna take Vash into space?"  
"Sorry, priest, but that's the only legit way for us to get our bounty." Jet said over his shoulder.  
"Well, in that case, count me in!" Nicholas said, grabbing his huge cross punisher.  
"You mean you want to come?" Spike asked.  
"Into space? Why not!" Nicholas laughed. "Besides, I gotta help the needle-noggin bust outta jail after you guys have gotten your money."  
Spike and Jet shrugged at each other.  
"Whatever." Spike said. "As long as we get our 60 billion, you can do whatever the hell you want. Just keep him far away from me."  
They walked up the ramp and the Beebop's hatch closed behind them. 


	6. joy ride confessional

Chapter 6  
  
Something was licking him.  
"He he. Stop, that tickles" Vash muttered. He tried to lift a hand but discovered that he was trapped. He could feel that he was securely bound by an abundance of rope to what seemed to be a couch that he was lying on. Opening his eyes, he found his view blocked by a canine face. The dog, that was comfortably sitting on his chest, barked once.  
Vash turned his head to take in a sideways view of what seemed to be a child approaching him. He had to assume it to be a child, especially the way it was walking on all fours, and then leapt onto his chest and stared intently into his face.  
"Ein says that it is awake!" The child crooned.  
"Um, hey." Vash said, confused. "What's going on? Who are you?"  
Before the strange child could answer, Spike walked over.  
"I don't think you want her to formerly introduce herself. It'll just confuse you more. Just call her Ed."  
"Her? A girl named Ed?" Vash asked.  
"That is me! I am Edward!" The child bolted off, cart wheeling wildly and making highly unnatural sounds. The dog followed her.  
"Comfortable?" Spike asked.  
Vash wiggled a bit. "I've been in worse."  
"I can attest to that!" Nicholas said, joining them.  
"What - you crazy priest, what are you doing, just standing there! This is all your fault in the first place!" Vash yelled, struggling to free himself. "I'm really gonna give it to you, you hear me? Aren't churchmen supposed to be full of compassion and sympathy? Get me outta here!!" He thrashed about on the couch wildly as Spike and Nicholas watched indifferently.  
Spike looked to the priest and gestured to the other room. "Hey, can I get you a drink?"  
"That's very kind of you." Nicholas said.  
They walked out, leaving Vash yelling and thrashing against his bonds.  
The two men sat at a table and Spike pulled some scotch from the shelf. Nicholas watched as the drinks were poured.  
"I can't believe that I'm really in a space ship. This is incredible." Nicholas said.  
"Well," Spike said, sipping his drink, "I guess you get used to it after a while. Just wait till you see Ganymede. It's a huge satellite colony. That's where we'll be collecting our bounty." Spike produced a 'wanted' poster sporting Vash's portrait. They had taken it while Jet had been collecting the pieces of the busted Swordfish. "I still can't believe that guy has such a huge bounty. I mean, he's got the skills. I only won because of a fluke. But- he's such a weirdo."  
"Yeah, I know." Nicholas laughed. "But you know something?"  
Spike looked up.  
"I've noticed that you two have something in common."  
"I'm choosing to not take that as an insult." Spike said.  
"No, seriously." Nicholas said. "It's a subtle thing, really. In your eyes. I told Vash the day I met him, it was like a sadness that's written all over your face."  
Spike swished the alcohol around his glass. "Well, I guess I've got a lot of stuff to be sad about"  
Nicholas walked around the table. He grinned.  
"What are you doing?" Spike asked fearfully.  
"I've got just the thing for you!" Nicholas said reaching around his back. From out of nowhere, he produced a small replica of a church. "Look! It's a portable confessional! A bounty hunter like you must have a bunch of sins you need to confess, right? Just pop in a coin, right here, see?"  
He tried to put in on Spike's head, but Spike ducked under the table and backed out the door.  
"I don't know what kind of priest you are, but you're starting to scare me just as much as the other guy!" Spike bolted down the corridor.  
"Hey, wait! Don't you want to save your soul from eternal damnation?!" Nicholas shouted, running after him.  
Spike called back, "I'll be dammed if I let you get anywhere near me with that thing!"  
Nicholas was about to reply when he tripped over something and went sprawling, the confessional flying from his hands. The thing he tripped over was Ed, who had curled up right in the middle of the floor.  
"Ooooooohhhhh!" Ed crooned, crawling over to the confessional. She picked it up and put it on her head backwards. "Ed likes the church-helmet! What does it do? Does it give Ed x-ray vision? It's all dark! How does Ed make it work?"  
Nicholas sat up. "Oh, well, you put a coin in the top there, and then you confess all the bad things you've done in your life."  
"Confess! Confess!" Ed shouted theatrically, waving her arms about. She magically produced two woolong coins from somewhere on her person and popped them into the small slot. "Ed confesses! Ed ate the last of the pickles!!"  
"I guess that counts." Nicholas said, pulling the confessional off Ed's head. "Why don't you show me how to get back to Vash."  
"Follow Ed!" The child hopped and crawled off.  
As Nicholas followed, he opened the roof of the confessional and took out the two woolongs. He felt a bit guilty about taking money from a child, but he shrugged and pocketed them anyway. These guys were about to get 60 billion, they wouldn't miss two little coins.  
After many twists and turns through the corridors, Ed led Nicholas back to the lounge room where Vash was lying. Vash had given up struggling and was staring blankly at the ceiling.  
"Where are we?" Vash asked in a haunted voice. "The floor is vibrating. It feels like we're on a star ship."  
"How would you know that?" Nicholas asked, sitting on a chair.  
"It's kind of a long story, actually a really long story, but I grew up on a space ship." Vash said nostalgically.  
"Really? How -" Nicholas stopped when Jet poked his head through the door.  
"We're here." Jet said.  
He disappeared again, and a moment later Vash and Nicholas felt the ship slow and stop. The engines cut off. They had arrived at Ganymede. 


	7. the not so grand finale

(Sorry this is so long, but it's the last chapter so I had to think about it. he he, everyone wanted to know when Faye would show up! So here she is)  
  
Chapter 7  
  
The two Gunsmoke abductees were gazing open-mouthed from the boarding ramp of the Beebop. Nicholas wandered around a bit and Vash would have followed, had it not been that he was securely tied to a chair that Spike had placed on the ramp so Vash could take his first look at Ganymede without any chance of escape.  
"Aw, c'mon! Lemme go!" Vash complained, wiggling one way then another. "I wanna see the space town! Can't I? Plus, I'm hungry. Do they have doughnuts?"  
"Mmm. Space doughnuts from space town!" Ed squealed.  
"Settle down!" Jet ordered. "We have to wait until Faye gets here."  
"Who?" Vash asked.  
"The other member of our crew." Jet explained.  
"Whatever." Spike snorted, "I never said she could join."  
"Well, if we have to wait, can't I at least get some food? I'm starving! Near death experiences do that to me!" Vash whined.  
"You aren't going anywhere." Spike said with a surly growl. "You're too slippery. I haven't forgotten back at the bar."  
Vash grinned sheepishly. "Hey, now. That wasn't personal or anything. Self preservation. Remember?"  
Spike just glared at him. "You made me look like an idiot."  
"Aw, I'm sure it wasn't that bad."  
"Actually," Nicholas interjected, "it was. You shoulda seen your face, Spike. It was hilarious."  
"Yeah," Spike said, biting through his cigarette, "hilarious."  
"Wolfwood, shut up will you?" Vash hissed. "What is it with you? I though you were on MY side."  
Nicholas struck a noble pose, "I am a man of the church. I abstain from taking sides in any dispute. It is only in that way I can see the truth."  
"Yeah," Vash grumbled, "man of the church my a-"  
He was cut off by the small ship that approached them at reckless speed and landed with a crash.  
"Finally," Jet said. "Took her long enough."  
The hopper's engines cut and the hatch opened. The tall, green-eyed, scantily-clad Faye jumped to the ground, a snarl on her face.  
"Hey, Faye," Jet called, "what happened to your bounty?"  
Faye marched right up to Jet's face and pointed an aggressive finger in his face.  
"Listen up, Jet, it's not my fault, okay? You left me to chase that guy all by myself. I called for backup and no one showed."  
Jet put his hands up defensively. "Hey, wait a minute, Faye, I remember exactly what you said. You told me 'shove off, old man, I can take this one myself and don't expect me to split the cash with you'."  
"Well you weren't supposed to LEAVE!" Faye stopped when she felt something bump into her. She looked down at Vash, who had hopped his chair over to her side. He gazed up at her with his blue eyes sparkling.  
"My, if I had known that such a beautiful and wonderful lady such as you awaited me, I would have immediately bid Spike lead me to your side -"  
WHACK!!  
Faye deftly smacked Vash upside the head. His chair fell over and he landed sideways on the cold concrete, insensible but with a dreamy look in his eyes.  
"Okay, who brought the pervert?" Faye asked, dusting her hands off.  
"Hey, take it easy, Faye. That guy's a 60 billion bounty." Jet said, righting the chair. Vash's head lolled around limply.  
"Are you serious?" Faye asked, astounded. Then she squealed. "That's a lot! That would take care of all of my debts! I'd be free at last!"  
"Yeah, yeah." Jet said. "C'mon, let's get this guy to the station."  
"Finally we can get rid of these weirdoes." Spike said.  
"Weirdoes! Wierdos!!" Ed shouted, crawling off.  
The whole party moved out, Vash kept under close watch by Spike. As they walked through the streets, Nicholas and Vash oohed and ahhed at the buildings and cars. Vash kept running from one side of the street to another to see things as they passed, and as a result Spike, who was holding the end of the rope, was yanked this way and that. By the time they reached the station, Spike was in a very bad mood.  
"I just wanna get rid of this guy. He's caused me enough trouble to last me the rest of my life. If it weren't for the bounty I swear I'd dump him in hyperspace." Spike grumbled, hunching his shoulders.  
"Well, here we are." Jet said as they approached the station. They walked up the front steps and into the front office. There was a female police officer sitting behind a desk looking bored.  
"Hi there," Jet said good-naturedly. "We're here to collect a bounty."  
Spike placed the ragged 'wanted' poster on the counter and then shoved Vash to the front.  
"Um, hi." Vash said, grinning stupidly.  
The officer looked from the poster to Vash a few times.  
"Yeah, that's the guy alright. But I don't remember the bounty. I've never heard of him before." The officer scratched her head.  
"Can you just look it up and see?" Jet asked.  
The officer turned to her computer and started typing.  
"Where did you pick this guy up?" She asked.  
Spike pointed the mystery planet out on a star map.  
"Oh yeah." The officer said, "They just sent an expedition party there. They found out that it was inhabited. Who woulda guessed? Anyway, apparently the people there call it 'Gunsmoke'. It's pretty shabby from what I hear."  
"Well, it's really not that bad once you get used to the heat." Vash said.  
Spike rolled his eyes. "C'mon, lady. The bounty, please?"  
The officer returned to the computer.  
"Oh, sure. The only thing is that of course they don't use woolongs on Gunsmoke. They use double dollars. I just have to make the conversion."  
"Conversion? Wait, whaddya mean, conversion?" Jet asked dubiously.  
"The conversion of the 60 billion double dollars into woolongs, of course."  
The bounty hunters all shared a worried look.  
"Okay. Well what's the conversion rate?" Jet asked reasonably.  
The officer typed a bit more, then stated:  
"It's been set at 50,000,000 to 1."  
There was a moment of silence.  
"Woolongs to double dollars?" Faye asked hopefully.  
"No. That's double dollars to woolongs." The officer replied flatly. "Gunsmoke has practically no economic value, which is reflected in the value of its currency."  
There was a LONG moment of silence.  
"So, exactly how much does it work out to be?" Jet asked slowly.  
The officer typed a bit more, and a money card was produced. She handed it to Spike over the counter. The bounty hunters all leaned in to see what the red number was that the card stated.  
  
* * * *  
  
There was a cloud of dust when Vash plopped to the sandy ground of planet Gunsmoke face first. A moment later there was another puff as Wolfwood hit the ground next to him. They both rolled over to see Spike standing above them in the Swordfish's open cockpit. They could hear him yelling at the top of his lungs, as he had ever since they had left the station on Ganymede.  
"I don't EVER want to see EITHER of you again. ESPECIALLY YOU!!!" He jabbed a finger in Vash's direction. "I can't BELIEVE that I went through all that DAMN trouble for ONE-HUNDRED-and-TWENTY LOUSY WOOLONGS!!!" He threw up his hands and then pounded them on the control board. "They didn't even want to KEEP him!! Said they didn't want their cells taken up with SMALL FRY! So I have to take him BACK!! JEEZ! 120 woolongs doesn't even pay for the damn GAS it took to get BACK HERE!!"  
Vash and Wolfwood could hear him yelling even after the cockpit had closed and the engines had started. Only when the Swordfish had taken off and was disappearing into the sky did Spike's ranting fade.  
They were left lying in the dust. For a moment they just stared up at the blue sky and twin suns.  
"Man, that was crazy." Nicholas said.  
"Yeah. I never thought I'd get back up into space." Vash said. "Those guys, they weren't so bad. I feel bad that I gave 'em such a hard time."  
"Nah, don't worry about it." Wolfwood said, sitting up. "From the way it looked, it seemed like they were used to disappointment."  
Vash laughed.  
As Nicholas moved to stand, he heard something clink in his pocket.  
"Hm? What's this?" He wondered. He put his hand in his pocket and withdrew two strange coins. The coins that the girl Ed had given him on the Beebop so she could confess to eating the pickles.  
Two woolongs.  
"Hey, Vash. What did that lady say that the conversion rate between double dollars and woolongs was?"  
"Hm?" Vash said, staring off into space. "Oh, it was 50 million to 1."  
Nicholas rolled the two coins around in his hand.  
"So, that means that one woolong is worth 50 million double dollars?" Nicholas asked off-handedly.  
"Uh, yeah. That's right."  
Nicholas smiled and pulled Vash to his feet.  
"Hey, buddy. How about to make up for all the trouble I caused, we go into town and I buy you some drinks?"  
  
THE END!!!!! 


End file.
